Dating Often Becomes an End in Itself

The Seven Habits of Highly Defective Dating

I once talked to Marty, a guy in his mid-20s who enthusiastically told me about his girlfirend, Claire. They'd been dating for four years. She was a wonderful girl, he said and they had a terrific relationship.
I assumed sonce they'd been together so long that engagement must be on the horizon and asked, "When do you think you guys will get married?"
Marty was shocked that I'd even mentioned marriage and began to vigorously backpedal. "Well, gosh, we're just dating," he stammered. "That doesn't mean.. well, I don't know if I want to marry her,"
I wouldn't encourage anyone to marry someone just because they'd dated a long time. But I wondered what Marty needed to learn about Claire after four years together that would help him decide. I suspect that, like many relationships today, Marty and Claire were stuck in what I call "dating limbo". Instead of acting as a bridge between friendship and marriage, dating becomes the destination - not ending but not moving on, either.
Singles who grow accustomed to dating limbo often find it difficult to leave. It's so comfortable! Because they acn experience many of the emotional and, sadly, even physical privileges of marriage in their dating relationships, many people (men in particular) find little motivation for commiting themselves in marriage.
For the mans or woman who is ready to get married, the dating scene and the habits it encourages aren't helpful. It can seem like you're making something happen but you might just be getting into a holding pattern of one short-term relationship after another.

Dating Can Create an Artificial Environment for Evaluating Another Person's Character

The Seven Habits of Highly Defective Dating

Although most dating relationships don't head towards marriage, some - especially those among older singles - are motivated by marriage. People who sincerely want to find out if someone is potential marriage material need to understand that typical dating actually hinders that process. Dating creates an artificial environment for two people to interact in. As a result, each person can easily convey an equally artificial image.
Taking the example of a basketball hoop that can be adjusted to different heights. When lowered three feet from its normal setting, anyone can look like a pretty good basketball player. But the skill exists only because the standards are lowered - not playing in a real environment.
In a similar way, dating creates an artificial environment that doesn't require a person to accurately portray his or her positive and negative characteristics. On a date, a person can charm his or her way into a date's heart. He drives a nice car and pays for everything; she looks great. But who cares? Being fun on a date doesn't say anything about a person's character or ability to be a good husband or wife.
Part of the reason dating is fun is that it gives us a break from real life. For this reason, when I'm married I plan to make a habit of dating my wife. In marriage, you need to take breaks from the stress of kids and work; you need to just get away for a bit. But two people weighing the possibility of marriage need to make sure they don't interact only with the fun, romantic settings of dating. Their priority shouldn't be to get away from real life; they need a strong dose of objective reality! They need to watch each other in the real-life settings if family and friends. They need to watch each other serving and working. How does he interact with the people who know him best? How does she react when things don't go perfectly? When considering a potential mate, we need to find the answers to these kinds of questions - questions that dating won't answer.

Dating Can Cause Discontentment with God's Gift of Singleness

The Seven Habits of Highly Defective Dating

Sometimes we see children who are more impressed with the gift-wrapping than the gift itself. I can't help but think that God views our infatuation with short-term dating relationships much as some children's love for gift wrapping. A string of uncommitted dating relationships is not the gift!. God gives us singleness - a season of our lives unmatched in its boundless opportunities for growth, learning and service - and we view it as a chance to get bogged down in finding and keeping boyfriends and girlfriends. But we don't find the real beauty of singleness in pursuing romance with as many different people as we want. We find the real beauty in using our freedom to serve God with abandon.
Recreational dating causes dissatisfaction because it encourages a wrong use of this freedom. God has placed a desire in most men and women for marriage. Although we don't sin when we look forward to marriage, we might be guilty of poor stewardship of our singleness when we allow a desire for something God obviously doesn't have for us yet to rob our ability to enjoy and appreciate what He has given us. Dating plays a role in fostering this dissatisfaction because it gives single people just enough intimacy to make them wish they had more. Instead of enjoying the unique qualities of singleness, dating causes more people to focus on what they don't have.

Dating Can Distract Young Adults from Their Primary Responsibility of Preparing for the Future

The Seven Habits of Highly Defective Dating

We cannot live in the future, but neglecting our current obligations will disqualify us for tomorro's responsibilities. Being distracted by love is not such a bad thing - unless God wants you doind something else.
One of the saddest tendencies of dating is to distract young adults from developing their God-given abilities and skills. Instead of serving in their local church, instead of equipping themselves with the character, education and experience necessary to succeed in life, many allow themselves to be consumed by the present needs that dating emphasizes.
Maintaining a relationship takes a lot of time and energy. Spending countless hours talking, writing, thinking and often worrying about their relationship steals enegry from other pursuits. The relationship could swallow up time that could have been spent developing skills and exploring new opportunities.
Dating may help you practice being a good boyfriend or girlfriend, but are these the skills we need for marriage? Even if you're going out with the person you will one day marry, a preoccupation with being the perfect boyfriend or girlfriend now can actually hinder you from being the future husband or wife that person will one day need.

Dating Often Isolates a Couple from Other Vital Relationships

The Seven Habits of Highly Defective Dating

By it's very definition, dating is about two people focusing on each other. Unfortunately, in most cases the rest of the world fades into the background. If you've ever felt like a third wheel when hanging out with two friends who are dating each other, you know how true this is.
Now, in a relationship where both people are prepared to move toward marriage, giving the relationship primary attention is not wrong. To make a wise choice about marrying someone, it's important to focus on getting to know that person well. But even in serious relationships it's not wise to isolate yourself from others.
For people who are't ready for commitment, this dating tendency can be especially detrimental. Christians need to take this seriously. Why? First, because when we allow one relationship to crowd out others, we lose perspective. In Proverbs 15:22 we read:

²² Without counsel, plans go awry, But in the multitude of counselors they are established.

 If we make our decisions about life based solely on the influence of one relationship, we'll probably make poor judgements.
Of course we can make this same mistake in any number of non-romantic relationships. But we face this problem more often in dating relationships because these relationships involve our hears and emotions. And because dating focuses on the plans of a couple, major issues related to marriage, family and faith are likely at stake.
And if two people haven't defined their level of commitment, they're particularly at risk. You put yourself in a precasious position if you isolate yourself from the people who love and support you because you dive wholeheartedly into a romantic relationship not grounded in commitment. In Passion & Purity, Elisabeth Elliot states:

Unless a man is prepared to ask a woman to be his wife, what right has he to claim her exclusive attention? Unless she has been asked to marry him, why would a sensible woman promise any man her exclusive attention?

How many people end dating relationships only to find their ties to other friends severed?
Perhaps you've done a similar thing. Or maybe you know the pain and frustration of being put on the back burner for the sake of a friend's boyfriend or girlfriend. The exclusive attention so oftne expected in dating relationships has a tendedncy to isolate them from the friends who love them most, family members who know them best and sadly, even God, whose will is far more important than any romantic interest

Dating Often Mistakes a Physical Relationship for Love

The Seven Habits of Highly Defective Dating

When we consider that our culture as a whole regards the words love and sex as interchangeable,we shouldn't be surprise that many dating relationships make physical attraction and sexual intimacy for true love. Sadly, many Christian dating relationships reflect this false mindset.
When we examine the progression of most relationships, we can clearly see how dating can encourage this substitution. First, as we pointed out, most often, dating isn't a pursuit of commitment. For this reason, many dating relationships begin with physical attraction. The underlying attitude is that a person's primary value comes from the way he/she looks. Even before a kiss has been given, the physical, sensual aspect of the relationship has taken priority.
Next, the relationship often steamrolls toward intimacy. Because dating doesn't require commitment, the two people involved allow the needs and passions of the moment to take center stage. The couple doesn't look at each other as possible life partners or weigh the responsibilties of marriage. Instead, they focus on the demands of the present. And with that mindset, the couple's physical relationship can easily become the focus.
Sadly, many couples gauge the seriousness of their relationship by the level of their physical involvement. Two people who date each other want to feel that they're special to each other, and they can concretely express this through physical intimacy. They begin to distinguish their special relationship through hand-holding, kissing and everything else that follows. For this reason, many people believe that going out with someone means physical involvement.
Focusing on the physical is plainly sinful. God demands sexual purity. And He does this because He is holy. He also does it for our own good. Physical involvement can distort two people's perspective of each other and lead to unwise choices. God also knows we'll carry the memories of our past physical involvements into marriage. He doesn't want us to live with guilt and regret.
Physical involvement can make two people feel close. But if many people really examined the focus of their dating relationships, they'd probably discover that all they have in common is lust.

Dating Tends to Skip the Friendship Stage of a Relationship

The Seven Habits of Highly Defective Dating

One-on-one dating has the tendency to move a guy and girl beyond friendship and toward romance too quickly.
Have you ever known someone who worried about dating a longtime friend? If you have, you probably heard that person say something like this: "He asked me out, but I'm just afraid that if wwe start actually dating it will change out friendship." What is this person really saying? People make statements like that, whether they realize it or not, recognize that dating encourages romnatic expectations. In a true friendship you don't feel pressured by knowing that you 'like' the other person or that he or she 'likes' you back. You feel free to be yourself and do things together without spending three hours in front of the mirror making sure you look perfect.
CS Lewis describes friendship as two people walking side by side toward a common goal. Their mutual interest brings them together. Skipping the commonality stage by going on one-on-one dates focuses on the 'coupleness'.
In dating, romantic attraction is often the cornerstone of the relationship. The premise of dating is "I'm attracted to you; therefore, let's get to know each other." The premise of friendship, on the other hand, is "We're interested in the same things; let's enjoy these common interests together." If romantic attraction forms after developing a friendship, it's an added bonus.

Intimacy without commitment is defrauding. Intimacy without friendship is superficial. A relationship based solely on physical attraction and romantic feelings will last only as long as the feelings last

Love & Faithfulness

What we fail to see is that the intimacy we experience in out string of emotional hook-ups is counterfeit. Romantic passion is sweetest when it is growing out of a relationship that's deepening in devotion.
The joy of intimacy if the reward of commitment.
Throughout the Bible we see that the Little Relationshi Principle (above) is an important aspect of true love. In the Old Testament, God makes a covenant - a binding commitment - with the people of Israel so that they can know Him intimately. The institution of marriage is founded on the same principle. A man and woman become one flesh and enjoy the deepest intimacy with each other only after they have made a public promise to love each other for life.

Proverbs 3:3 - Let not mercy and truth forsake you; Bind them around your neck, Write them on the tablet of your heart

God wants love and faithfulness to be connected. In His plan, the personal benefits of an intimate relationship - emotional or sexual - are always closely linked to self-sacrificial love and commitment to another person's long term good.
The way of sin is to diverce the two. In Proverbs 7 we read of the seductress, who lures her victim with the offer of romantic and sexual pleasures devoid of responsibility.

18 Come, let us take our fill of love until morning; Let us delight ourselves with love.

This is how sin works. It calls us to "enjoy ourselved with love" without  worrying about the good of others. It offfers intimaacy without obligation.
Pursuing intimacy without commitment awakens desires - emotional & physical - that neither person can justly meet. In 1 Thess 4:6 the Bible calls this "defrauding", ripping someone off by raising expectations but not delivering on the promise. Pastor Stephen Olford describes defrausding as "arousing hunger we cannot righteously satisfy" - promising something we can not or will not provide.

Intimacy without commitment, like icing without cake, can be sweet, but it ends up making us sick.

The Joy of Intimacy is the Reward of Commitment

An intimate relationship is a beautiful experience that God wants us to enjoy. After all, He stated that it wasn't good for man to alone and created the woman to perfectly complement him and help him (Gen 2:18). But God has made the fulfilment of intimacy a by-product of commitment-based love. If we want to experience the goodness of His plan, we need to reconnect the pursuit of intimacy with the pursuit of commitment:

the joy of intimacy is the reward of commitment

All of us want intimacy. It means being close to someone. It's being vulnerable, open, and dependent. It's giving to and receiving from another person the deepest parts of who we are - our hopes, our fears, our secrets, our affections. An intimate relationship in which we know and are known by another human is one of the most fulfilling and precious parts of life - it's a gift from God.
There are many different kinds of intimate relationships in life. We can be intimate with a friend, with a family member, with a co-worker, but the deepest, most meaningful of intimate relationships (outside of a Christian's relationship with God) is the one between a husband and wife who share not only their hearts but also their bodies - in sexual intimacy, two people know each other in a profound way.
What each of these relationships has in common is trust. We are intimate with those people who have proven their faithfulness to us, people who have shown over time that they will be careful to guard what we have given of ourselves. We're intimate with people who are committed to us.
You might say that intimacy between a man and a woman is the icing on the cake of a relationship headed toward marriage. And if we look at intimacy that way, then it becomes obvious that most of our dating relationships are all icing. They usually lack a purpose or a clear destination. In most cases, especially when we're younger, dating is short term,serving the needs of the moment. We date because we want to enjoy the emotional and physical benefits of intimacy without the responsibility of real commitment.

Knowing What's Best

Philippians 1:9-10: 9 And this I pray, that your love may abound still more and more in knowledge and all discernment, 10 that you may approve the things that are excellent, that you may be sincere and without offense till the day of Christ,

The way we love others should constantly grow and deepen in its knowledge and insight. And when our love grows in knowledge, we can more readily 'discern what is best' for our lives. Don't we all desperately need that discernment?
After all, when we engage in guy-girl relationships, we're not always choosing between absolute wrong and absolute right. Often the choice is between what's good and what's best...
... Because there is not biblical command not to date, this is an area that we each need to evaluate in light of our own maturity, our motive and the other person involved. The decision requires wisdom.
This is where it's so important that our love for others be shaped by God's love for us. This kind of love looks beyond personal desires and the gratification of the moment. It looks at the big picture: serving others and glorifying God.

• Stop seeing members of the opposite sex as potential girlfriends/boyfriends - discover the richness of true friendship
• Stop worrying about whom you are going to marry & start trusting God's timing - uncover the potential of serving God as a single
• Stop flirting with temptation in one-on-one dating relationships & start pursuing righteousness - uncover the peace and power that come from purity

This Is Love

I've come to understand that God's Lordship in my life does not merely tinker with my approach to romance - it completely transforms it. God not only wants me to act differently; He wants me to think differently - to view love, purity and singleness from His perspective, to have a new lifestyle and a new attitude.
The basis of this new attitude is God's love for us. John explains the connection between God's love and the way we relate to others in 1 John 4:10-11:

10 In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. 11 Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.

Do you see what John is saying? God's amazing love for us at the cross provides both the example and the power for us to love others. People whose sins have been forgiven through faith in Jesus' death on the cross can't live or love the same ever again. We've been set free from our old self-centred life. We used to be controlled by what felt good, but now, as new creations, we're to be controlled by God's love. In 2 Corinthians 5:14-15, Paul writes:

14 For the love of Christ compels us, because we judge thus: that if One died for all, then all died; 15 and He died for all, that those who live should live no longer for themselves, but for Him who died for them and rose again.

The Bible teaches us that if we truly trust in Jesus Christ, we die to our old way of living. And we can no longer live for ourselves - we now live for God and for the good of others.
Because of that, relationships with the opposite sex can no longer be about 'having a good time' or 'learning what I want in a relationship'. They're not about getting, but giving. Every relationship for a Christian is an opportunity to love another person like God has loved us. To lay down our desires and do what's in his/her best interest. To care for him/her even when there's nothing in it for us. To want that person's purity & holiness because it pleases God & protects him/her.
So whether or not we take a break from dating, if our dating is controlled by Christ's love it will look so radically different than the relationships around us that we'll want to come up with a different name for it!

~ taken from  "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" by Joshua Harris

So This Is Love?

It was finally here - Anna's wedding day, the day she had dreamed about and planned for moths. The small, picturesque church was crowded with friends & family.
Sunlight poured through the stained-glass windows, and the gentle music of a string quartet filled the air. Anna walked down the aisle toward David. Joy surged within her. This was the moment for which she has waited so long. He gently took her hand and they turned towards the altar.
but as the minister began to lead Anna & David through their vows, the unthinkable happened. A girl stood up in the middle of the congregation, walked quietly to the altar, and took David's other hand. Another gril approached and stood next to the first, followed by another. Soon, a chain of six girls stood by him as he repeated his vows to Anna.
Anna felt her lip begin to quiver as tears welled up in her eyes. "Is this some kind of joke?" she whispered to David.
"I'm.. I'm sorry, Anna," he said, staring at the floor.
"Who are these girls, David? What is going on?" she gasped.
"They're girls from my past," he answered sadly. "Anna, they don't mean anything to me now.. but I've given part of my heart to each of them."
"I thought your heart was mine," she said.
"It is, it is," he pleaded. "Everything that's left is yours."
A tear rolled down Anna's cheek. Then she woke up.

1. How many men/women could line up next to me on my wedding day?
2. How many times have I given my heart away in short-term relationships?
3. Will I have anything left to give my husband/wife?

~ taken from "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" by Joshua Harris